Are You There God? It's Me Black Frappe.

Dear Supreme Ruler of the Universe,

Stop messing me. Oh don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. I was in line at the grocery store and I saw what you did.

It's not enough to make me take a crippling pay cut, to force my husband out of a job, to hike up gas prices up so high we won't even be able to drive down the street, to cause the economy to nose drive. No. You have to rub my nose in the opportunity that isn't knock, knock, knocking on my door too?

I mean I can't find a freelance gig to save my life. Not even a little something to help us squeak by. But Harlequin von Trashy Sex Scribe gets to publish Shattered by the CEO (dun dun dun).

Shattered! By the CEO!!! This is, perhaps, the worst book title I've ever, EVER read. And someone, the author or maybe the editor, was paid to come up with this title. Paid actual money. Meanwhile, I get one last chance to pick up this steamy page turner before I buy my loaf of bread, aspirin, and eggs--along with the additional bonus of feeling like an utter reject because no one will give or my effing MA in writing a second glance.

Yes. I am officially broken.

Sincerely yours,

Black Frappe

P.S. Tonight I burn my diploma.

By The Time I Get To Ohio

As I wait for THE perfect job to magically land in my lap, I figure I can work on Plan B: win the lottery. Except Plan B is a cruel mistress. Oh how she tempts me with rich promises but hot DAMN she only leaves me full of regret. I'm talking to you Mega Millions. I seriously could have used that dollar for something else.

And despite my charitable deeds, positive thinking, and good luck charms, karma continues to hate me. Karma just loves Ohio. And Georgia. And Texas. And Jersey.

I'm moving.

Put Me in Coach

Let us ponder the human improvement process otherwise know as life-coaching. . . .

Seriously, I can’t even believe this is a real job. People actually PAY other people to do this:

“You hire a coach to achieve your personal, spiritual, family and business Coachable Goals, much more effectively, more efficiently, more completely, with more fun, and in less time than any other human improvement process . Life coaches assist you to: overcome obstacles and fears, focus on solutions, have someone to bounce ideas off, no matter how silly they may seem, discover truths about you, and how you can improve, accomplish more than you thought possible, and achieve balance in your personal, work and family lives. Your coach will UNLEASH YOU, to become the person you always wanted to be and were capable of becoming.”

So life-coaching is therapy. Without the couch. And the pharmaceutical benefits. I’m guessing it’s not covered under my HMO either.

Oh and get this:

“Life coaches, and business coaches charge all over the map for their services. It has been reported that the average life coach (including over 60% who are rookie coaches) charges $187 per hour. You can reduce your costs by purchasing a bundle of sessions with your coach. Even with bundled session discounts, the prices for one on one individual telephone life coaching will run between $300 US to $1,000 US for three (3) to five (5) coaching sessions per period. Specialized executive and corporate coaching will approach $2,000 US per period for up to 8 coaching sessions and 24/7 hour on call availability.”

One hundred eighty seven dollars. AN HOUR. Which is $388,960 a year. This is the part where I gently weep over a poorly-written manuscript.

Maybe I should get a life coach to help me become a life coach. Then I could get paid to tell people things like:

“Oh boo-hoo”
“That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.”
“You know what your problem is, don’t you”
“Get over it”
“Shut up.”

Yeah. Best. Life coach. Ever

Swallow It Down

This wee post is dedicated to my husband who sniggers like a twelve-year-old boy whenever this poorly-named product is advertised on t.v.

Aciphex. Say it with me: ASS ee fekks. It just rolls off the tongue, right? ER. . .eh. . .esh. Not so much. It is, in my opinion, an abomination. Now I know our friends in the pharmaceutical industry thought it best to keep the name simple. Put "acid" and "reflux" together and TAH-dah!! ASSeffects was born.

Brilliant. I probably would have called it Redicaflux.

Tick, Tick, Boom

My husband officially lost his job last night. Sweetmotherofunemploment this sucks.

Tell Me Why I Don't Like Geldof

I have a penchant for picking names. Baby names, pet names, company names, names for story characters, names for products. I think I could earn some serious cash by promoting myself as a name guru. And as a serious name guru I will admit to having issues with certain celebrities and the liberties they take when naming their utterly defenseless young. Take this man for instance:

Mr. Boomtown Rats himself and his ill-named progeny Fifi Trixibelle, Peaches Honeyblossom, and Pixie Frou-Frou (Sorry, I won't hate on little Tiger Lily due to a teenage crush on Michael Hutchence).

Now, I'm all for originality BUT these names are batshitcrazy. And I suspect the crazy is the reason behind this sad bit of news:

"Police are expected to speak to Bob Geldof's daughter later this week after she was filmed allegedly buying cocaine. Peaches Geldof, 19, was exposed in a national newspaper over the weekend after she was secretly filmed during a suspected drug deal."

Yeah. I think we all know why Peaches is buying drugs. Nice work Bob.

I'm going to start calling her Penelope and see if it helps. AND while I'm at it I might as well rename some other poorly-named celebrity children as a public service. I'll give Jermajesty Jackson a simple name. Something more old fashion cuz she has enough problems with that family of hers. I think "Jocelyn" will do. And Pilot Inspektor will be "Pryor Lee" cuz his dad IS funny (despite his terrible taste in names). Elijah Bob Patricius Guggi Q (Seriously Bono, "Q"? Really?) has it easy. There's is nothing wrong with Elijah. But the rest has to go.

See how easy it is to give a child a name that won't embarrass them? A name that can easily be yelled out at the park without shattering any eardrum within a ten mile radius.

Let me know if you want me to name your baby. The kid may thank you one day.

Taste buds

See all the amazing things I would buy for you to give to other people without giving me a lick of credit. Funky ring, funkier necklace, mod cuckoo clock. But Wait. There's more: Superhero capes, apple jackets, and a stuffed bunny with a 'stache AND a monocle! You're impressed. Right?

I'm dedicating this months blogging to work. That is work I'd rather be doing. In the privacy of my own home. If possible. Even though I like my job (aside from the are-you-freakin'-kidding-me pay cut) I'm craving something different. And since I feel under appreciated at work it seems like the right time to consider other job opportunities. I need a job that taps into my creative side, is something that I like to do, and allows for some flexibility. Like, perhaps, shopping. OH don't look at me that way. People get paid to shop for other people. ALL THE TIME. I love to buy gifts. I adore spending money. Especially if it isn't mine. And I happen to have spectacular taste. The proof is right here. You can't deny it.